I don’t think I get along with this person.
We see things differently. We don’t seem to understand each other. Being around them isn’t particularly comfortable.
But not every relationship can be solved by simply walking away.
A colleague.
An in-law.
Someone in your neighborhood or community.
Sometimes you can’t leave. Sometimes the relationship isn’t bad enough to leave.
And when the discomfort continues, it can become easy to push in one of two directions.
They need to change.
Or I need to put up with this.
If they’re the problem, we push them into a corner.
If we decide we’re the one who needs to adjust, we can end up doing the same to ourselves.
But does someone have to be wrong for us to deal with the discomfort?
Before it gets that far, there may be something else we can try.
What lens am I using to look at this relationship?
Borrowing Another Lens
There’s a lens I sometimes use when thinking about relationships.
I make a distinction between friends and people who come together for a shared purpose.
This isn’t a definition of what friendship is, or what other relationships should be. You may use these words completely differently.
That’s fine.
For now, we’re just borrowing a lens.
A friend, through this lens, is someone you can spend time with without needing a particular reason.
You talk. Go somewhere together. Just hang out.
Nothing needs to be accomplished.
Then there are people we come together with because there is something we want to do.
We don’t necessarily have the same interests. We don’t have to share the same values.
But we can work together toward something.
And when that purpose is gone, the relationship may end too.
That’s fine as well.
Of course, the same person can be both.
We’re not trying to sort people into categories.
We’re simply trying another lens to see whether the relationship looks different from here.
Where Does It Work?
Imagine someone at work you don’t particularly like.
You wouldn’t want to live with them.
You wouldn’t choose to spend your weekend with them.
You probably don’t want to sit around talking about life together.
But you can work together.
You understand what needs to be done.
You can cooperate.
You can move toward the same goal.
Maybe you don’t need to get along with this person in every sense.
Maybe this relationship already works where it needs to work.
The reverse can be true too.
You love traveling with someone.
You can talk for hours.
You can spend an entire afternoon just hanging out.
But ask them to join you in working toward a goal — training for something, organizing an event, starting a project — and somehow it never works.
You could wonder why a good friend doesn’t want to do this with you.
Or you could notice that perhaps this relationship doesn’t need that.
As a friendship, it may already be enough.
Not Every Relationship Needs Depth
I sometimes wonder about the idea that the more deeply we understand each other, the better the relationship.
Some relationships are deep.
Some are built around one thing we share.
Some last for a short period of time.
Some stay with us for years.
They don’t all need the same things.
Not everyone needs to understand you deeply.
Not everyone needs to share your values.
And not fully understanding each other doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship isn’t working.
Walking Away Isn’t the Only Option
Of course, some relationships are better left.
Feeling that something doesn’t fit doesn’t mean you should ignore it and stay in every relationship.
But if walking away is the only way we know how to deal with a relationship that doesn’t feel right, what happens when we meet someone we can’t — or don’t need to — walk away from?
We try to change them.
We put up with more than we want to.
We decide they’re the problem.
Or we decide we are.
There may be another question available to us.
Where could this relationship work?
Finding Its Place
This isn’t about making yourself like someone you don’t like.
It isn’t about forcing yourself to understand someone you don’t understand.
You don’t have to look down on them.
You don’t have to think less of yourself either.
What do we actually need to share for this relationship to work?
What don’t we need to understand about each other?
What can we stop asking this relationship to be?
Instead of cutting it off or trying to make it deeper, we can look for the place where it works.
And there may be another reason to do this.
Sometimes, once we decide that someone is difficult, they begin to take up more space in our mind.
Will they be there today?
What are they going to say this time?
I really don’t want to deal with them.
As we keep watching out for them, someone we simply found difficult can gradually start to feel like a threat.
Finding a place for the relationship isn’t something we do for their sake.
It can also keep our own world from becoming more uncomfortable because of them than it needs to be.
This is where this relationship works.
I don’t need it to go any further than this.
The person doesn’t have to become more likable.
But the space they occupy in our world may change.
You don’t have to use “friend” and “shared purpose” as your lens.
The point isn’t to find the right categories for people.
Sometimes, when a relationship looks impossible from where we’re standing, it may be worth picking up another lens and looking again.
There may be a place where that relationship can simply be what it is.
The Compass: 16 Coordinates for Inner Navigation — now available.
